Sunday, 15 August 2010

Ooo, eck! Crap Game Corner Returns!! - Dragon's Lair (NES)

Help me, Dirk! SAAAAAAVE MEEEE! Don't worry, Daphne! I'll save you!.....

.....or probably not, if you play this game. If you thought the arcade laserdisc game was awful (to play, but not to look at), you haven't played nowt yet! Basically, Elite took the game, and made it a side on, flick screen adventure. Just not a very good one. It plays sooooooooooo shockingly awful, you'd think it's someone's idea of an April 1st joke. And a very cruel one, at that.

You start off outside the castle, and you have to get over the drawbridge and enter said castle. Piss easy, yes? Er, no. Not in the slightest. As soon as you move, you get eaten by the dragon hiding underneath without so much of a by your leave. So, it's just as playable as the arcade game, then. You're not given any indication of impending doom at all, and you'll soon be waving good-bye to all 7 of your lives in a matter of seconds, or until you power off the game and chuck the cartridge into the corner. In case you're wondering, you'll never see the second screen. Or if you do, it'll be on your last life, which you will lose as soon as you start off. After a good conversion of Tecmo's Bomb Jack, it's a shocking discovery to find this with their name on (mind you they did do the awful Dukes of Hazzard, The Fall Guy and Airwolf, with the (in)famous regenerating wall).

It looks alright, and for that, Elite should have a pat on the back. But they should have their knackers caught in a wrench for making it so hard, not even Billy Mitchell could play it without wanting his money back. The controls are cumbersome and Dirk reacts with all the gracefullness of a dead slug to your button presses, so the Sudden-Death-Syndrome of it's arcade is even more apparent. Do yourself a favour. Don't buy it. Don't entertain the idea of buying it. Don't even entertain the though of the idea of buying it. Leave it on ebay, even when someone puts MEGA RARE, FUN GAME and GREAT GAME in the same listing. Just point laugh at the. And feel sorry for me. As I have a copy of the abomination. I think that's why I'm crap at modern games, you know. This game has infected my sense of Gameplaying-ness-thingy. I could even get near the end of Bomb Jack at one point. Not any more. Bastard game.


  1. Billy Mitchell would eat Dragon's Lair for breakfast, spitting out Dirk's emasculated corpse before digging into a large portion of Battletoads. And you know it.

  2. I played SNES Dragon's Lair for a while and didn't like it much. Is this one even worse? It sounds it :|