Dun-dun-derrrrrr! - Cannonball Run II (Warner Bros/Golden Harvest, 1984)

Boasting a huge cast, some of the fastest cars on Earth, and a sense of not taking itself to seriously, Cannonball Run II is set a year after the first (which was actually made in 1981. Confused? Just a tad.), in which Prince Shiek Abdul Falafel (Jamie Farr - M*A*S*H) is sent by his father (Ricardo Montalban) back to America, to 'buy' a Cannonball Run, in which to compete and win. Assembling the other runners, this motley band of racers consists of, among others, J.J McClure (Burt Reynolds) and his friend and business partner Victor Prinzim/alter ego Captain Chaos (Dom DeLuise), Fenderbaum (Sammy Davis, Jr) and Blake (Dean Martin) and Hi-Tec (Jackie Chan) and his driver Arnold (Richard Kiel).

Starting from Redondo Beach, and driving to Conectticut, the winner gets $1 million in cold hard cash as a prize for being the fastest. But, there's trouble afoot, in the form of some gangsters who want to rip off Falafel, and hold him for ransom to pay off Don Don's $9 million debt to Heimy Kaplan (Telly Savalas). The rest of the film plays out like a live-action Looney Tunes movie (much like Needham's earlier movie Cactus Jack a.k.a The Villain), with the gang of bumbling gangsters trying every trick in the book to capture the sheik, with plans ranging from a huge magnet on the bottom of a helicopter, to grabbers on the front of their car.

Being a follow up, the two hot chicks from Cannonball Run (Adrienne Barbareu and Tara Buckman) have been replaced with Catherine Bach (Daisy Duke from Dukes of Hazzard) and Susan Anton (although both play the same characters from the first movie), and use their sex appeal, which normally boils down to unzipping their tops to show copious amounts of cleavage, to hitch rides after their cars either run out of gas or break down. Even though they are different actresses', they are still a bit on the phwoor side of things. The film is just as funny as the first, even more so, with Doug MacClure as the sheik's servant (he's an actor. Hasn't had a series in 7 years. Actually, 9 years!) putting in a really funny turn, and Jack Elam returns as the doctor who really doesn't know what he's doing (even going so far as to eat shaving foam off a brush, believing it to be desert!).

If you liked the first Cannonball Run, you'll know what to expect with the second, as I feel it's just as funny. If you didn't like the first, then don't bother as it'll never change your mind. If you do, just be prepared for gas-fuelled shenanigans aplenty.

They're Heeeeeeeere - Poltergeist (MGM, 1982)

The cool poster. Looks so innocent, doesn't it? Wait until you see it.

Made in 1982 by MGM, Poltergeist was a landmark in film making. A ghost story like no other. Produced by Steven Spielberg and directed by Texas Chainsaw Massacre's Tobe Hooper, it brought to life a story about a family unit overcoming the most difficult of odds, and situations, to save the one they love. Now, Tobe Hooper is not a name you'd associate with a big name production like Poltergeist, or with a well known Producer/Director like Spielberg either. But, his name is credited as Director, and it's one hell of a film. 

Another of the awesome special effects

First, there's Carol-Ann talking to the TV, then, a few things move from one place to another on their own. Then one night, 'they' take little Carol-Ann to 'The Otherside'. A dimension between Life and Death, and hold her against her will. How they get her back is a story that is finely crafted, with some great special effects. One being that one of the party of ghost Hunters dreams of tearing his face off. The music compliments the film perfectly, and I think, is one of Jerry Goldsmith's most polished scores (on the same level as First Blood and Star Trek TMP). It creates tension in the most important scenes, especially when the smoky hand comes out of the TV, and shoots into the wall.

One of the best scenes in the movie, and funnily parodied in Family Guy

The cast do a stellar job, especially Heather O'Rourke (who had an unfortunate short lived career), who so scared at doing the abduction scene, that when she burst into tears, Spielberg gave her a very comforting hug and said, in so many words, she would not have to do that again, as she was terrified.

The only thing is, the film seems too Spielberg-ish to be anyone else's. It's directed in the same manner, with that Spielberg look. Only the abduction scene seems Hooper-esque in it's look. Another thing surrounding the film is a supposed curse, being that 4 of the cast members across all three movies died before the release of the third movie.

Eddie, Iron Maiden's mascot makes a cameo. But, can he play with madness?

With the other films in the series, Poltergeist II was not a bad follow up, but it did not keep some of the key plot points of the first, and makes some stuff up. Overall, it wasn't bad though. The third.....well.....I've only seen a few clips of it, and it's terrible. So bad it makes Heaven's Gate look like an epic. So, my advice: Stick with the first two, as they're the only ones worth watching.

Crap Game Corner: Revenge of the Crap Game Corner - Superman 64 (N64, Titus)

Oh, Superman. How low you've sunk! Still, nice artwork.

Faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap buildings in a single bound, stronger than 1000 lions (ok I made that one up, only because I forgot the rest lol). Yes, Superman is one of the ultimate superheroes, alongside X-MEN, Batman, The Punisher amongst others. There have been numerous movies, comic books and tv shows made about the man in the blue tights with red pants on over the top. Of course, alongside these, there have been many games made. Some good (the arcade game seems to be the only one!), some bad (the MD game, and the SMS game with the dodgy collision detection), and some so awful, that like old Supes' heat vision, will melt your eyes (the home micro version from 1986). But, the one that stinks of mouldy cheese and looks like the dog brought it up, is the abomination on the N64 by Titus Software.

No guards, no binds. Smack hi one and run off, you prats!!!

First up, the storyline: Lex Luthor has kidnapped Lois, some Professor bloke and Jimmy and have imprisoned them in his virtual Metopolis, where they await their rescue by Superman. O.......k (?). Now, the cutscene shows old Blue Tights Man standing looking at ol' Fester Shinetop, who's spouting his usual cobblers, with Lois pouting and Timmy just standing there, UNBOUND I might add, behind him. Now, what I can't understand is, if they're unbound, with NO GUARDS, why not kick Lex in the plums and run off? So, the storyline sucks monkey plums. What about the gameplay?

The ultimate test for a Man of Steel: a maze. Wow! (sigh!)

It seems to have taken the day off. You start off flying over Virtual Metropolis. Sounds good, yes? No. You have to fly through rings to extend your ever so generous 2 minute time limit. You read that right: Superman. Fly through Rings. Time limit. Of course, this would be a piece of piss, if you weren't fighting the controls every step of the way. Leaps buildings in a single bound? He can't even leap over a blade of grass in a single stumble. The stick is so sensitive, that you'll end up missing every single ring and failing miserably. If by some stroke of luck (and patience) you reach the next level, you have to pick up cars and throw them. Come on, who came up with this load of old bollocks? Picking up cars and throwing them??? For no other purpose? But, wait! It gets worse. If you get to the end of the game, and lose, you can't continue, oh no no no no no! You have to start from the VERY BEGINNING, meaning you have to trudge through this pile of elephant shit all over again if you want to complete this. Not that you will, as the game sucks like Grandma sucking an egg.

Oh, look. More rings. Oh, goody.

Even the graphics are bloody awful, and don't push the N64 to it's graphical limit. If I'm honest (and I bloody well will be), they look like a really early PS1 game that was done by a primary school class. Unbelievable amounts of fog, very square characters (yes, GoldenEye 007 had this problem, but the game was 100000 times better, so we forgive it!) and very bland environments. Not looking good, is it? No. It looks like a pile of shit. And you know what? It's because it is.

I don't blame him. If I was playing this, I'd fall asleep too.

There are many, many great games for the N64, and many hidden gems. Believe me, this ISN'T one of them. So, instead of bunging this into your N64, use it to bang nails into the wall, or as a doorstop, or target practice with an air rifle. Or, you could send it to your worst enemy as some form of chinese water torture. Because that's all it's good for. Can I go home now?

Are you a Member of the CULT? - DUNE (Universal, 1984)

Frank Herbert's DUNE was first published in the 1960's, and became somewhat of a cult classic. Chronicling the events in the young adult life of Paul Atreides, as his family take control of the planet Arrakis aka DUNE in the year 10,191, through a plot by the Emperor Shaddam IV, Ruler of the Known Universe, to rid himself of Duke Leto by the families arch nemesis, the Baron Harkkonan. Many times after the first publication, a film was to have been made, with the rights changing many hands, until they fell into the hands of Dino De Laurentis. Unfortunately, after a poor performance at the box office, and being blasted by critics, Lynch disowned the film, but it's hard to see why.

Don't sniff up.

For a start, if you take the time to watch it, it is a good film. Yes, some things are hard to understand at times, but upon repeated watchings, it does become clearer. The special effects are awesome, with the worm effects  being the best I've ever seen (a 6 foot high man standing next to a 600 foot worm is astonishing). The music is superb, with the Prophecy theme by Brian Eno and the other music by Toto, it all adds to the atmosphere of the film. Kyle MacLachlan plays Paul with a real conviction, even though it was his first role. It's a shame that Max Von Sydow had not much screen time, as he played Doctor Keynes really well. An honourable mention must go to Sting as Feyd-Rautha, Baron Harkkonan's younger nephew. For him to be able to play someone so cold blooded really goes against type for him, as you can see the emotion in him, especially in his knife fight  with Paul.

Don't stand so, don't stand so close to me!

As with all films like this, there was meddling with the studio. Universal wanted a two-hour length film, and Lynch's original ran for 4 hours without the effects, three hours after effects were added, and an additional 43 minutes cut which is what the studio wanted. When it came to do a TV version, Lynch did not want to, and did a petition to the DGA to have his name fully removed from the credits and distanced himself from it. The result was a three-hour long version, with a tacked in prologue (with hand drawn paintings and a male voice over instead of Virginia Madson), extended shots and added scenes that were, until that time, unseen and in which many special effects shots were re-used to such an extent, it made no sense at all (in some shots, they re-used the Guild Navigators ship landing scene from the opening for many other landings in the film). Although it was an ok version, it's mainly a curio for others who wish to see another version of the film.

Now, THAT'S big!!!

I think it is something of a flawed masterpiece myself. Sure, some performances are a bit naff (when Jessica senses something about her husband Leto for example. Bit on the shit side), and some say you must read the book before viewing the film. But, that's something you must decide for yourself.

What's (nearly) New, Pussycat? - Super Mario Allstars - Wii (Nintendo)

Originally released for the SNES in 1993, SMA collected together the first 3 of Mario's adventures, plus the unseen (at the time) The Lost Levels, the TRUE sequel to Super Mario Bros. that was only released in Japan on the Famicom Disk System. It was a compilation that took the graphics of the NES originals, threw them out the window, and replaced them with updated visuals and music. The result? Quite awesome. So, roll forward 17 years to Mario's 25th anniversary, and Nintendo decided now would be a good time to re-release this great compilation for a new generation of Mario fans on Nintendo's Wii. Does it disappoint? Well.....

Yes and no. No because this is classic Mario as it would have appeared if was originally released back in 1993 for the very first time. Plus, it still plays very well to this day. Well, all four games still play well. The downside? It's the SAME release as what appeared in 1993, with those same graphical whistles and bells. And thats it. It plays the same, looks the same, and feels the same. There are NO added games, or video or art extras on the disc, which is a shame. So, on a Wii optical disc (which is roughly 6gb in size say), only roughly 15mb is used. Yes, you read that right. 15MB ONLY. Mind you, to sweeten the deal, Nintendo have bundled a booklet containing a brief history of Mario's main Nintendo console adventures, and a music cd which contains a smattering of Mario music. Oh, and it comes in a smart looking red box. To be honest, as a Mario collectable, its not a bad one, but the lack of extra games, and the fact it's just the SNES cartridge ROM dumped on a disc with no different menus and the aforementioned lack of extras is just shameful. It would have been good to include SM64, SM-RPG, Paper Mario (N64) and even Super Mario Kart (either the SNES or N64 version), but it seems cheap and somewhat of a rip off.

So, lets break this down (prices are rough):
Music CD - £10
Booklet - £5
Game - £5 for the cart (if bought on the Wii, and just the disc was released, say £15-20)
Those prices are if you bought them separately (if you could, and if they didn't bundle the rest of the bits with it). Saying that, if you haven't got a SNES, then this is worthwhile. Just take on board, that there's no extra games on the disc and is just the rom dump. If you do have a SNES and you do have this, there's no point in buying it, unless you want the CD and booklet (which could have been a bit bigger in content it must be said).
Still, that £20-25 quid could be spent on Porn.

(EDITORS NOTE: The person doing this review has just been sacked)

Still, it could be worse. You could get bitten by a Moose. Which can be quite nasty.

(EDITORS SECOND NOTE: The person carrying on this review after the other persons sacking wishes you to know that he has been sacked as well)

Or being bitten by a Lion

(EDITORS THIRD NOTE: The third person carrying on where the other two have been sacked, has also been sacked. I will now continue this instead)

.....erm........Lovely weather. And what a smashing blouse you have on

(EDITORS FINAL NOTE: Even though I carried on where the other three have been sacked, I myself have now been sacked. This review will now end. And with no smashing blouses in sight.)