Monday, 3 January 2011

Crap Game Corner: Revenge of the Crap Game Corner - Superman 64 (N64, Titus)

Oh, Superman. How low you've sunk! Still, nice artwork.
Faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap buildings in a single bound, stronger than 1000 lions (ok I made that one up, only because I forgot the rest lol). Yes, Superman is one of the ultimate superheroes, alongside X-MEN, Batman, The Punisher amongst others. There have been numerous movies, comic books and tv shows made about the man in the blue tights with red pants on over the top. Of course, alongside these, there have been many games made. Some good (the arcade game seems to be the only one!), some bad (the MD game, and the SMS game with the dodgy collision detection), and some so awful, that like old Supes' heat vision, will melt your eyes (the home micro version from 1986). But, the one that stinks of mouldy cheese and looks like the dog brought it up, is the abomination on the N64 by Titus Software.
No guards, no binds. Smack hi one and run off, you prats!!!
First up, the storyline: Lex Luthor has kidnapped Lois, some Professor bloke and Jimmy and have imprisoned them in his virtual Metopolis, where they await their rescue by Superman. O.......k (?). Now, the cutscene shows old Blue Tights Man standing looking at ol' Fester Shinetop, who's spouting his usual cobblers, with Lois pouting and Timmy just standing there, UNBOUND I might add, behind him. Now, what I can't understand is, if they're unbound, with NO GUARDS, why not kick Lex in the plums and run off? So, the storyline sucks monkey plums. What about the gameplay?
The ultimate test for a Man of Steel: a maze. Wow! (sigh!)
It seems to have taken the day off. You start off flying over Virtual Metropolis. Sounds good, yes? No. You have to fly through rings to extend your ever so generous 2 minute time limit. You read that right: Superman. Fly through Rings. Time limit. Of course, this would be a piece of piss, if you weren't fighting the controls every step of the way. Leaps buildings in a single bound? He can't even leap over a blade of grass in a single stumble. The stick is so sensitive, that you'll end up missing every single ring and failing miserably. If by some stroke of luck (and patience) you reach the next level, you have to pick up cars and throw them. Come on, who came up with this load of old bollocks? Picking up cars and throwing them??? For no other purpose? But, wait! It gets worse. If you get to the end of the game, and lose, you can't continue, oh no no no no no! You have to start from the VERY BEGINNING, meaning you have to trudge through this pile of elephant shit all over again if you want to complete this. Not that you will, as the game sucks like Grandma sucking an egg.
Oh, look. More rings. Oh, goody.
Even the graphics are bloody awful, and don't push the N64 to it's graphical limit. If I'm honest (and I bloody well will be), they look like a really early PS1 game that was done by a primary school class. Unbelievable amounts of fog, very square characters (yes, GoldenEye 007 had this problem, but the game was 100000 times better, so we forgive it!) and very bland environments. Not looking good, is it? No. It looks like a pile of shit. And you know what? It's because it is.

I don't blame him. If I was playing this, I'd fall asleep too.
There are many, many great games for the N64, and many hidden gems. Believe me, this ISN'T one of them. So, instead of bunging this into your N64, use it to bang nails into the wall, or as a doorstop, or target practice with an air rifle. Or, you could send it to your worst enemy as some form of chinese water torture. Because that's all it's good for. Can I go home now?


  1. I remember seeing Angry Videogame Nerd rip into this one, and with good reason! How do games like this get past the playtesting stage? :|

  2. They just probably think 'yeah, it looks alright. That'll do' and then just send it out. But, what do you expect from getting hassled by Warner (it was, apparently, their fault).