Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Crap Movie Corner Triple Strike Editon: Lavathian, Deepstar Six & The Dark Side of the Moon

Some crap movies can be entertaining (take Lifeforce for example), but some can be just downright terrible. Here I present three that are just awful, they just shouldn't even be watched.

Laviathian (MGM, 1989)
Starring Peter Weller & Richard Crenna, the story centres on a deep sea team who stumble upon a sunken Russian ship. One of the team finds a hip flask of vodka and, sharing it with another crew mate, they start to mutate. Cue lots of elements stolen from The Thing, blood, assimilations and Peter Weller running around with the worlds fattest barrelled Flame-Thrower. Also, cue lots of monster special effects (which I suppose aren't too bad), some rubbish dialogue and lots of crap acting (especially from Ernie Hudson). The story is a shameless The Thing rip off, and doesn't even hide it. I couldn't wait for it to end.

Deepstar Six (Carolco, 1989)
Again, an underwater adventure, this one sees a team sent by the navy to recover nuclear missiles. After blasting a cave closed, a monster that is the weirdest looking in movie history, is iunleashed, ripping Matt McCoy in half, pulling Nia Peeples under the water and eating her, seeing Miguel Ferrer decompress and explode and the captain of the expedition get trapped in a door and drowns himself. The monster is shit, the script is shit, the storyline of one of the characters expecting a baby is mentioned then forgot about, but it does have gore on its side.....and that's it. Pure crap.

The Dark Side Of The Moon (Vidmark, 1989)

An expedition to the moon ends in disaster when a space shuttle is found, and an ancient evil, dispelled from Earth is unleashed. Sounds good, yeah? It's actually very bad. It has gore and blood in, but that can't save a poorly executed plot, no-one knowing who is who (another stolen The Thing idea), cheap special effects and slow pacing. And how can anyone be controlled by a demon by pushing their face into a cut open stomach? Saying that, there are breasts in it (always a winner), it's a shame the bird is as ugly as the bottom of a bucket.

All in all, a selection of crap films, of which only.....well, only Deepstar Six is any cop. And it's still crap.

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