Saturday, 9 October 2010

Crap Game Corner 5-pack - 5 more of the worst games ever!

A companion piece to original flavor Crap Game Corner, here's 5 of the worst that don't even deserve more than a small paragraph (but might want a damned good kicking all the same).

5: Pit Fighter (Any Conversion - Tengen)
Pissed again, eh?
A woeful arcade game, given a woeful conversion. The Amiga one had great graphics, but knackered your joysticks (and was sodding fiddly with trying pick up weapons and Power Pills), the Master System one was just awful, and the original Arcade Coin-Op was just shit. Only the Mega Drive version is worth playing, as it makes use of the MD pad's three buttons and is, to some extent, enjoyable.

4: Primal Rage (Anything it was converted to)
I don't remember this in Jurassic Park!!
Another day, another 1v1 fighter. But, wait, this one has DINOSAURS in it! Epic win, yes? No. More like Epic Fail. Mundane moves, naff looking graphics and a crap storyline (if there is one), the only good thing was that in two player, you could use your tails to smack a bystander back and forth, like tennis. Shoddy, shit, and rubbish.

3: Batman Returns (Amiga)
Frankie, Where Time Stood Still, Cosmic Wartoad. All Denton Games, all better than this!
Oh, Denton Designs, how the mighty fall. Small, fiddly, shoddy graphics, zero gameplay, it's obscene that this ever got made. Absolutely terrible. Do yourself a favor: buy it on the SNES or MEGA CD. It's much, much better!

2: Fifa 64 (N64)
The graphics are passable. Shame that the rest was anything but.
Released at the same time as the console, this was supposed to have shown what the machine was capable of. Instead, it showed how inept EA really were. Elasto-nets, players that had piles when they ran, and a kick that made both feet come off the ground. The only saving grace was the John Motson commentary (what there was of it). One of the worst footy games ever!

1: A View To A Kill (Spectrum)
Doesn't look like Paris, does it?
The names Bland....James Bland. License to get lost in a city that's actually a poorly disguised maze, never to be seen again. And that's just the first level. Make it past that, and let me know what happens, as I couldn't be bothered! Biggest bag of arse I've ever played (and I've played quite a bit!). Plus, it's ultimately boring. Not worth the tape, packaging OR time for loading it. Play License To Kill or The Spy Who Loved Me (the better 48/128k Bond games in my honest opinion), or even GoldenEye 007 on the N64.


  1. I managed to dodge all of these bullets during my formative years, thank god. A View To Kill looks like Turbo Esprit on acid.

    I remember seeing the Pit-Fighter arcade in a local flea-pit and thinking "Wow!" Thankfully, Tengen were stupid enough to release a demo for the ST version (on the cover of The One, iirc) and it was outed as the stinker it really was. Fancy releasing a demo for it... sheesh!

  2. I quite liked Pitfighter on the MD back when it was a current game but I haven't played it for 15-odd years... I thought Primal Rage was supposed to be good though! :O

  3. Nah, Primal Rage was utter tripe. Trust me, I've got the SNES version (which is just as awful!)

  4. I've got Primal Rage on the 3DO. It has 3D cutscenes and a plot about dinosaurs taking over or something. Guess what? It's still utter toilet. And the 3DO was vastly more powerful than the other machines at the time too. It really is an awful game.