Crap Game Corner: Captain Pytron (Speccy)

As I lay here, listening to Journey on the internet radio, I keep thinking of the late 80's. Arcade conversions were getting more ambitious on the old 8-bit micros. And it even reminded me of the cover tapes from CRASH, Your Sinclair and Sinclair User. Some would have great game demos, full games that were quite good....and games that weren't. Games that were so shit beyond belief, so diabolical, so monumentally.......crap, that it's an astonishment how they ever got made in the first place.

Take Craptain Pytron. I use Craptain because this game stinks more than month old rotting meat. Upon loading, you get a screen with our 'heros' name, with what looks like a bloke from those old cartoons, the 'Wot, no beef?' cartoons (you know, the bloke with the really long nose, that hangs over the brick wall. His nose, that is.) with a norse helmet on. So, upon pressing enter, you get control options:
KEYS
SINCLAIR
KEMPSTON

upon which, yours truly selected keyboard (I had no joystick handy). Now, expecting to be able
to redefine my keys, I waited, and then got thrust into the game. No explanation of how Pytron got there, why he's there (probably didn't pay his Pizza Hut bill, or something) and what to do. Greeeaaaaaaat *sigh*. BUT, not only that, but it doesn't give you a run down of the keys to use. Now,here's the fun part. You start in a cell. A LOCKED (I'll repeat that: LOCKED) cell, with 3 objects:
A SPRING
A ROCK
A JUG
After finding out (after being killed through not knowing what the controls are) how to pick up objects, I found out how to use them (it was found out by guess work, and I sill don't know how to use it). Now, thinking that the jug would hold a key, you use all objects until you find that the SPRING will open the door (???). Confused you will be. You also start off with no weapons, so the enemies you first encounter (big, green things that look like the creature thats with Olive Oyl when she's in the army) are able to sap your energy, and you can't fight back. Oh, and they're able to go through the LOCKED door from earlier.

Captain Pytron should be left in his cell to rot. The game is shit, the controls are shit. It looks ok, though. Only just, mind. But ok graphics do not a good game make, and you can't polish a turd, not even one with very obscure and stupid puzzles like this. And, no, I'm not even posting screenies of this game, because this thing offends me. Tis a game so crap, it's made me quite mad. Now, go away and play Monty Mole, and let's never speak of this rubbish again.

JetSetWilly: Playing crap games, so you don't have to ((C)marc. All rights reserved, copyright doesn't exist, so sod off!)