Are you a Member of the CULT? - DUNE (Universal, 1984)

Frank Herbert's DUNE was first published in the 1960's, and became somewhat of a cult classic. Chronicling the events in the young adult life of Paul Atreides, as his family take control of the planet Arrakis aka DUNE in the year 10,191, through a plot by the Emperor Shaddam IV, Ruler of the Known Universe, to rid himself of Duke Leto by the families arch nemesis, the Baron Harkkonan. Many times after the first publication, a film was to have been made, with the rights changing many hands, until they fell into the hands of Dino De Laurentis. Unfortunately, after a poor performance at the box office, and being blasted by critics, Lynch disowned the film, but it's hard to see why.

Don't sniff up.

For a start, if you take the time to watch it, it is a good film. Yes, some things are hard to understand at times, but upon repeated watchings, it does become clearer. The special effects are awesome, with the worm effects  being the best I've ever seen (a 6 foot high man standing next to a 600 foot worm is astonishing). The music is superb, with the Prophecy theme by Brian Eno and the other music by Toto, it all adds to the atmosphere of the film. Kyle MacLachlan plays Paul with a real conviction, even though it was his first role. It's a shame that Max Von Sydow had not much screen time, as he played Doctor Keynes really well. An honourable mention must go to Sting as Feyd-Rautha, Baron Harkkonan's younger nephew. For him to be able to play someone so cold blooded really goes against type for him, as you can see the emotion in him, especially in his knife fight  with Paul.

Don't stand so, don't stand so close to me!

As with all films like this, there was meddling with the studio. Universal wanted a two-hour length film, and Lynch's original ran for 4 hours without the effects, three hours after effects were added, and an additional 43 minutes cut which is what the studio wanted. When it came to do a TV version, Lynch did not want to, and did a petition to the DGA to have his name fully removed from the credits and distanced himself from it. The result was a three-hour long version, with a tacked in prologue (with hand drawn paintings and a male voice over instead of Virginia Madson), extended shots and added scenes that were, until that time, unseen and in which many special effects shots were re-used to such an extent, it made no sense at all (in some shots, they re-used the Guild Navigators ship landing scene from the opening for many other landings in the film). Although it was an ok version, it's mainly a curio for others who wish to see another version of the film.

Now, THAT'S big!!!

I think it is something of a flawed masterpiece myself. Sure, some performances are a bit naff (when Jessica senses something about her husband Leto for example. Bit on the shit side), and some say you must read the book before viewing the film. But, that's something you must decide for yourself.

What's (nearly) New, Pussycat? - Super Mario Allstars - Wii (Nintendo)

Originally released for the SNES in 1993, SMA collected together the first 3 of Mario's adventures, plus the unseen (at the time) The Lost Levels, the TRUE sequel to Super Mario Bros. that was only released in Japan on the Famicom Disk System. It was a compilation that took the graphics of the NES originals, threw them out the window, and replaced them with updated visuals and music. The result? Quite awesome. So, roll forward 17 years to Mario's 25th anniversary, and Nintendo decided now would be a good time to re-release this great compilation for a new generation of Mario fans on Nintendo's Wii. Does it disappoint? Well.....

Yes and no. No because this is classic Mario as it would have appeared if was originally released back in 1993 for the very first time. Plus, it still plays very well to this day. Well, all four games still play well. The downside? It's the SAME release as what appeared in 1993, with those same graphical whistles and bells. And thats it. It plays the same, looks the same, and feels the same. There are NO added games, or video or art extras on the disc, which is a shame. So, on a Wii optical disc (which is roughly 6gb in size say), only roughly 15mb is used. Yes, you read that right. 15MB ONLY. Mind you, to sweeten the deal, Nintendo have bundled a booklet containing a brief history of Mario's main Nintendo console adventures, and a music cd which contains a smattering of Mario music. Oh, and it comes in a smart looking red box. To be honest, as a Mario collectable, its not a bad one, but the lack of extra games, and the fact it's just the SNES cartridge ROM dumped on a disc with no different menus and the aforementioned lack of extras is just shameful. It would have been good to include SM64, SM-RPG, Paper Mario (N64) and even Super Mario Kart (either the SNES or N64 version), but it seems cheap and somewhat of a rip off.

So, lets break this down (prices are rough):
Music CD - £10
Booklet - £5
Game - £5 for the cart (if bought on the Wii, and just the disc was released, say £15-20)
Those prices are if you bought them separately (if you could, and if they didn't bundle the rest of the bits with it). Saying that, if you haven't got a SNES, then this is worthwhile. Just take on board, that there's no extra games on the disc and is just the rom dump. If you do have a SNES and you do have this, there's no point in buying it, unless you want the CD and booklet (which could have been a bit bigger in content it must be said).
Still, that £20-25 quid could be spent on Porn.

(EDITORS NOTE: The person doing this review has just been sacked)

Still, it could be worse. You could get bitten by a Moose. Which can be quite nasty.

(EDITORS SECOND NOTE: The person carrying on this review after the other persons sacking wishes you to know that he has been sacked as well)

Or being bitten by a Lion

(EDITORS THIRD NOTE: The third person carrying on where the other two have been sacked, has also been sacked. I will now continue this instead)

.....erm........Lovely weather. And what a smashing blouse you have on

(EDITORS FINAL NOTE: Even though I carried on where the other three have been sacked, I myself have now been sacked. This review will now end. And with no smashing blouses in sight.)

Old Codger's Corner - PD Division: Star Trek II (Amiga, Tobias Richter)

When I scoured the adverts for 17bit Software in Amiga Format, I happened across a PD game called 'Star Trek II'. At £1.99, for two disks, I thought I'd give it a punt. And, to be fair, there is a lot to this game. 'Warp 3, Mr. Sulu!'

The loading screen is a (near enough) exact copy of one of the scenes from Star Trek III, just after Kirk and Co. have stolen the Enterprise to find Spock. It really looks good, but it's a bit too blue in colour, but that's something that runs throughout. You start off in the Captain's Chair (no, not the toilet!!), when you're given your orders from Starfleet Command, which normally follow the 'Collect X item from X planet, and take it to X Planet'. Once you've completed that mission, you then get orders for your next. Along the way, you come into contact with other Starfleet starships, and every now and again, a couple of Klingon Birds of Prey or Romulan WarBirds pop up to have a pop at you. You can raise shields, fire weapons, phasers, transfer power between all three, all the while keeping an eye on where they go. It does get hectic, but I feel like something's missing...

It could be that it's called Star Trek II, but Khan is nowhere to be found. At least, i haven't found him. And there's only so many 'Parcel Force' missions you can undertake before it gets very samey. Although, you can visit McCoy in sick bay, Scotty in engineering, and the cargo bay. You can fiddle with a lot of things in engineering, but even that got boring after a while. Oh, it's also as blue as the title screen. But the graphics are good, though, and the ambient sounds and music on the title screen (which was ripped from Star Trek II) do set the mood. But, there's only so much you can do before you get so bored, you'd wish you were eaten by Tribbles.

Old Codger's Corner - PD Division: Drip (Amiga, Public Domain)

Ever play a blob of liquid wearing sunglasses before?

Public Domain in the late 80's/early 90's meant either 3 things:
1) the games were crap
2) the games were good, but there were few and far between
3) I can't think of a third one.

One game which was very good (so good in fact I used to play it on a daily basis), was Drip. You play the titular Drip who's got rather narked off after his Party Juice has been stolen (I think). So, Drip dons his sunglasses, and drips off to get his revenge (do drip's even have feelings of revenge?). Along the way, he'll come across acid drips, balls of fire, ice balls and fiendish mazes which have to be rusted, before moving onto the final room, the Pump Room.

Quick! Grab the cloud! Don't know what it's for, but it might (not) be useful!

Being a clone of Painter, Drip, I think, is a work of art. The game looks more like a retail game than a PD game. The graphics are great, which some smooth animation, and quite a bit of detail. Drip himself has always got a grin on his face, and his death animation is quite funny (he even says 'blergh' when touched by the green drops, and 'owww!' when he touches fire). At the start of the game, the maze fades into view, followed by Drip...erm...'dripping' on to the center of the maze. He then calls the baddies by whistling to them. Again, it's this touch which just adds to the game. The music is great at first, and while it does grate after a while, it is damned catchy. I forgot to say about the pick ups. The star makes you invincible, so you take out the bad guys and the heart gives you points. You can collect a cloud, but I have no idea what it's for, apart from floating onto the screen every so often, doing bugger all. You can also drop (or should that be drip?) to the platform below, if the nasties get to close for comfort, bringing a bit of skill to the game.

Our hero, in all his...er...liquid glory (that sounds quite wrong on so many levels!) You too can be as cool as him!

If there's one criticism I will bring up, is that sometimes the controls aren't as responsive as I think they should be, as sometimes you'll find yourself going up when you actually pressed right on your joystick. Still, this little niggle shouldn't detract from the gameplay, and the cartoon quality. But, what else can you ask for a game that came free on the front cover of Amiga Format? For the price, I'd say it was a bit of a bargain.

Are you a member of the Cult?: Battle Beyond The Stars (New World Pictures/Roger Corman, 1980)

This seminal cult classic was inspired by Seven Samurai. Directed by Akira Kurasawa in the early 50's, Seven Samurai told the story of a group of villagers who elisted the help of the said seven to fight off a gang of bandits, intent of looting the town every so often. Long, awesome and full of fighting, UA decided to do a Westernised version in the early 60's, called The Magnificent Seven. Starring Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, James Coburn and Robert Vaughn, it told the same story, but transplanted the setting from fuedal Japan, to the wild west, and was a bloody good film, with Charles Bronson as another of the seven (who starred with Coburn and McQueen a few years later in The Great Escape, also a classic). Fast forward a few more years, to 1980. Roger Corman has just made Pirhanna, and was looking for another project. Along comes John Sayles with his story entitled 'Battle Beyond The Stars', which was modelled after the Seven Samurai and Magnificent Seven, but this time, the setting was Space. The village was on another planet called Akir (named after the Seven Samurai's acclaimed director). And the end product was a movie that launched a certain directors future career.

If that doesn't look like genitalia, then I don't know what does!

The peaceful planet of Akir becomes the target of a ruthless Malmori called Sador (John Saxon), who wants the planet to be his colony for his crew of genetic disfigurations (people who have had their faces disfigured by dramatic amounts of surgery. Sador himself keeps himself young by transplanting new body parts to replace his own). After slaughtering some of the people as 'a demonstration of my power', he gives them an ultimatum of Seven days to subject to his control. A young boy named Shad (Richard Thomas in his Walton days) takes matters into his own hands by setting off in an old Corsair named Nell, to look for a group of Mercenaries to help fend off Sador and save Akir. The motley crew of Mercs consists of Cowboy (George Peppard), who has a huge collection of old westerns; Gelt (Robert Vaughn recreating his role from The Magnificent Seven), who has his own demons to face; Saint Exmin of the Valkyrie (Sybil Danning), who tries to prove herself; Nestor (Earl Boen), who is actually 4 clones and a 5th because they always carry a spare; Cayman of the Lambda Zone (Morgan Woodward), a Lazuli who's race has been virtually wiped out by Sador; and Nanilia (Darlanne Fluegal), who's father wanted Shad to remain on his station because his planet is doomed anyway. With these six (with Shad being the seventh), they return to Akir to take on Sador, and save his planet.

Apparently, 4 clones isn't enough. They always carry a spare. Just in case.

It might be another remake, but Battle Beyond The Stars has a few unigue things to make it fresh: one of the seven is one of the villagers, instead of actually hiring seven warriors; the guy incharge of the models is James Cameron (yes, THAT James Cameron), who attention to detail was so great, he was made head of Art Department, and two of the seven were women, one of which becomes Shad's love interest. One thing that does stand out is that the special effects do hold up to a certain degree even today. It does show that Cameron did, and still does, have an eye for detail. They still look outstanding. Saying that, the Corsair does look like Female genitalia!

The second poster. Used on the German dvd. Just as cool as the original.

The script does seem cheesy in contrast to todays scripts, but that just adds to it's charm. But that was part and parcel of movies back in the 80's, and to think that the movie was made with a small budget (most of which went to George Peppard and Robert Vaughn). Still, it did make $11 million in it's first weekend, and thats something not to be sniffed at. It also had James Horner's awesome soundtrack to accompany it which, as with Star Trek II, has Horner's trademark theme running through it, and added punch to the film at it's key points.

A film that has attained it's cult status, along with Flash Gordon, deservedly, and wears it on it's chest proudly. Like a birthday boy badge. Only it doesn't flash. And isn't crap. And doesn't sing happy birthday at the wrong moment.