Ooo, eck! Crap Game Corner Returns!! - Dragon's Lair (NES)

Help me, Dirk! SAAAAAAVE MEEEE! Don't worry, Daphne! I'll save you!.....

.....or probably not, if you play this game. If you thought the arcade laserdisc game was awful (to play, but not to look at), you haven't played nowt yet! Basically, Elite took the game, and made it a side on, flick screen adventure. Just not a very good one. It plays sooooooooooo shockingly awful, you'd think it's someone's idea of an April 1st joke. And a very cruel one, at that.

You start off outside the castle, and you have to get over the drawbridge and enter said castle. Piss easy, yes? Er, no. Not in the slightest. As soon as you move, you get eaten by the dragon hiding underneath without so much of a by your leave. So, it's just as playable as the arcade game, then. You're not given any indication of impending doom at all, and you'll soon be waving good-bye to all 7 of your lives in a matter of seconds, or until you power off the game and chuck the cartridge into the corner. In case you're wondering, you'll never see the second screen. Or if you do, it'll be on your last life, which you will lose as soon as you start off. After a good conversion of Tecmo's Bomb Jack, it's a shocking discovery to find this with their name on (mind you they did do the awful Dukes of Hazzard, The Fall Guy and Airwolf, with the (in)famous regenerating wall).

It looks alright, and for that, Elite should have a pat on the back. But they should have their knackers caught in a wrench for making it so hard, not even Billy Mitchell could play it without wanting his money back. The controls are cumbersome and Dirk reacts with all the gracefullness of a dead slug to your button presses, so the Sudden-Death-Syndrome of it's arcade is even more apparent. Do yourself a favour. Don't buy it. Don't entertain the idea of buying it. Don't even entertain the though of the idea of buying it. Leave it on ebay, even when someone puts MEGA RARE, FUN GAME and GREAT GAME in the same listing. Just point laugh at the. And feel sorry for me. As I have a copy of the abomination. I think that's why I'm crap at modern games, you know. This game has infected my sense of Gameplaying-ness-thingy. I could even get near the end of Bomb Jack at one point. Not any more. Bastard game.

Newbie: Naughty Bear (360)

If you go down to the woods today, you'd better go armed to the teeth. Because, if this bear sees you, he's liable to impale you with a knife, slap your head in with a baseball bat and shove a telephone in yer gob! That's basically Naughty Bear. To be as naughty as possible. But, there's a reason behind it all: Naughty wasn't invited to Daddles' birthday party, because he's been a naughty little git. So, he decides to anyway, with a present he made himself (probably an axe on a spring or something). But, when two bears laugh at him, he thinks enough is enough, and starts to go on a fluffy rampage.

I....have..had...enough of....YOOOOU!

Utilising a range of weapons, like a baseball bat, knife, axe or machine guns, Naughty Bear has to go around and kill the other bears, or at least, scare them into killing themselves. And that's where the fun comes in. You have the choice of setting traps, sabotaging various items so bears investigate and attempt repair (and thus, letting you get them), scaring them to doing something stupid or just going all out and slapping them silly. If you take the last option, and you slap them into submission, you get the choice to do an Ultra Kill, which, at the press of the Right Trigger, sees Naughty slaughter them maniacally (like shoving a stick into their eye, and setting them on fire). If a bear sees you do this, he will call in The Fuzz to come after you. You can sabotage the phone boxes, so they can't call for help, plus you can destroy cars and boats to stop them escaping. There is also an element of stealth as well, enabling you to scare them even more without being seen.

So, it sounds fun, but what is it like? Not bad, actually. Some stuff works really well (like the sabotaging items then hiding in cupboards, ready to scare the stuffing out your victim, but that only works occassionally. Either that or I'm doing something wrong, so i'll have to give it another go. Still, there's always scaring them to death, which does work, thankfully. It works even better if you sneak up behind a bear and then scaring them, with a very loud BOOOOOOO!, which is quite funny, especially the mouth animation. Only thing is, that it does get a bit boring after a while of doing the same thing over and over. The cut scenes are very choppy, even after the update, and are only smooth at certain points. Mind you, the graphics aren't too bad. Nice and colourful, and cartoony-ish. One other problem is the camera. It could have done with being brought back a bit, so you could see more, and this is apparent when in buildings, when the walls needed to go transparent.

Go ahead. Make my day....punk!

 The sounds and music are ok,. It's just a shame that there's not a deranged version of Teddy Bear's picnic used, as that could have worked well. It is quite funny when you hear Naughty scream BOO at another bear, and when another bear screams after being scared fluffless.
Controls-wise, you can't customise them. Which is the singlemost stupidest idea I've ever seen, as more often than not, you'll press the wrong button and do something else that you wasn't supposed to do.

All in all, it's not a bad game (well, not as bad as some reviews have made out), but it's not great either. There is some fun to be had, but only in short bursts. Just be prepared to have to learn the control layout first.

Handheld Shenanigans: Chase HQ (Game Boy)

I know what you'te thinking: Oh, god, not ANOTHER Chase HQ game! Well, it is. And, it's great. There. Sorted. Next? More info? Oh...........alright then.
The game is the same as the other versions. You drive your Porsche 911 GTS and have to smash the crap out of the criminal's cars. You get 3 turbos.....blah, blah, blah........level splits.......blah, blah, blah.....until the time runs out. The game is the same across all the formats, so there's not much point covering old ground. So, onto the conversion.

Where's my pizza, dirt bag?

The game plays really well, and, I think, is perfectly suited to the Game Boy, with each button mapped for something. There is a choice of 2 control schemes, and I found scheme 2 to be the best all round, as it makes everything that bit more accessable. I will say, that the steering is a bit stiff, though. More than not, you'll find yourself hitting other cars willy nilly. The graphics are some of the best I've seen on the handheld. Everything is really detailed, right down the brakelights and the puffs of smoke coming from your turbos. Every single graphic is great. Musicwise, you do get a rendition of the theme on the title screen, and is well done. The music ingame is good, but it does grate after a while, as does the engine noise. the constant droning will drive you insane after a while. One thing it definitely does have in it's favour, is that it has all five levels from the arcade game. Yes, the routes are different to all the other versions, but so what?

Some of the best I've seen. And I've played the Spectrum version!!

I think this is definitely worth tracking down for a few quid, as it's one of the better arcade-GB converstions out there. It plays well, looks really great, and sounds as good as even the Spectrum conversion.

The classic game: Robocop (Spectrum)

Released in 1987, the film of Robocop has stood the test of time, not only as an enjoyable, violent and action packed movie, but as a social commentary, with it's Tongue in cheek and dark humour, but the news broadcasts that were interpersed inbetween. It, of course, spawned an enjoyable second sequel, and a very shit third sequel that should not even have been a) made and b) aknowledged. So, the first game, then. Let's look at the first directive.

You start off on the streets of Old Detroit, cleaning up the scum who wield guns, chainsaws and even ride motorcycles. Some appear at the windows to shoot at you. But, you can shoot back (oh, yes!) but you have limited ammo, but more can be picked up along the way, even for a three-way gun as well, plus health comes in the form of baby food jars, but these are few and far between. And that's part of what makes the game hard. Another thing is that you don't get a respite at all, as you have a time limit of 2 minutes to complete the level. It is a challenge, though, and it has that one more go factor.

The whole game doesn't follow the walk, shoot theme, as you also have a shooting gallery game and a puzzle element, which is a staple of Ocean's games back in the day. And, it gave the game a bit of variety (the Amiga and ST games were two thirds walk and gun and one third puzzle), which I feel is sadly missing in this day and age. The music is another thing that's awesome. The theme might not be the actual Robocop theme, but it was influential enough to be used in the Ariston advert. The sound is great, with some excellent spot effects and, in the 128K version, some sampled speech. They really went to town on this, and I can't imagine it any other way. Ocean were the EA of their day, but what they did, they did with passion and heart, and not for the money. And this game had lots of passion, heart and soul put into it.

Ooo, eck! It's the Crap Game Corner: Terminator 2 (NES)

James Cameron created one of the most excellent sci-fi/action movies of 1984: The Terminator. Starring Arnie as the Terminator, he pursued Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) and her protector Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn) in an effort to change the future, by eliminating her so she cannot bear the saviour of mankind, John Connor.The movie was so excellent, he made another one: T2 Judgment Day in 1991. More of the same, it was a great, if not better, movie than it's predecessor. And, ultimately, games were made. Some were great (Game Boy T2, Amiga T2), and some were so awful, so flawed, so shockingly shit-tastic, that it leaves a bad taste in my mouth just thinking of them. Yes, I'm  talking about the NES and Master System version of the same game, but more extensivly, we are going to poke fun and laugh at the NES incarnation.

Starting off outside the bar from the start of the movie, you control Arnie as the T-800, and have to make it inside the bar. Now, being a Terminator (supposedly a near indestructable cyborg, but we'll get back to that in a bit), you'd think that he could kill people with just a flick of his little finger, wouldn't you?
Well........No.
He's punch is as powerful as a strong coffee. He makes The weakest man in the world look like Geoff Capes.    His power is so lacking, it's inexcusable. He's supposed to be made of metal, not tin foil! When you get shot at, your power goes down at an alarming rate. Skynet must have used Asda Smart Price Titanium (guarenteed to contain 1% Titanium & 99% Goose Fat), because as soon as you start, you're inundated with bad guys with said guns. So, chances are you won't even get into the bar. And, if by chance you CAN get into the bar, more awful combat shenanigans await you. Basically, more of the same: fight 6 at a time, get your energy sapped, lose life, start again. Well, at least the graphics are nice. The sound is ok at best, but the really awful controls add to the dismal gameplay and dodgy (more dodgy than Del-Boy) collision detection.

Well, at least it has a good intro. Shame the game is total bollocks.

This has all the playability of.....well.....something that has no playablility (like Chameleon Twist 2.....but thats for another feature!).
Oh, the awfulness! Terminator? More like Terminated!!